Let's just say, today began a little rocky. And that is a big understatement. The traffic was really bad and we got extremely loss and my dad is still adjusting to the new driving, and all of those factors added up to putting Dad in a really foul mood. We thought we weren't going to make it to our tour and so we were rushing around florence and the group got split up and it was just chaos. But we made it to our tour and after calming down a little, the day got a whole lot better.
Our tour guides name was Tanya and she was really nice. We saw most of the big places in Florence, like the cities oldest bridge (of which I posted a picture in yesterday's update) and Dante's house and all the Piazzas and everything. We even got to go in the Duomo and Tanya recommended a really good place to eat afterwards, although I can't remember the name of it. Something like the Zio Gigi. But the people were very nice and the one waiter spoke no English and ended up just shouting happily in Italian at us. It was quite an experience.
After we were very full, we walked around this very big street market for a long time. Ethan got these goofy pants and I got a bracelet, and Tristan very much wanted a knife but wasn't allowed to get one. By the time we had explored all of the stalls, we were tired and hot so decided to head back towards the villa. We stopped by the train station and Mom spoke some Italian and we were all proud of her. We also stopped at the Coop, which is a grocery store, and loaded up on drinks and snacks and some chicken to grill out for tomorrow. Then we finally headed back to the villa and have just been lounging around, playing uno and farkle (which I'm not quite sure how to spell). Overall, we learned a lot about Florence today and saw some pretty cool stuff.

It's nearly May 1. I have 8 days til my AP Euro exam. I fear that I will not pass it, through no fault other than my own. I should have started studying weeks ago.

On a brighter note, I feel great. I've started going to the Y with Taylor and I've noticed a definite change in me, even in just four days. I really love working out. And I've always known I love working out, but I was just running for so long that I forgot how much I actually loved to exercise. Running really isn't my deal . . . at least, not right now. I absolutely love Cardio Cycling and I really look forward to every time I go to the YMCA. I just feel great; it's like a beacon of light in my drab life. Even in such a short time, my body feels and looks stronger, I'm so excited for the next few weeks when I really start to notice a change. I think, part of the reason why I was so . . . I don't know, depressed is too strong a word . . . but whatever I was, it was partly because I didn't like myself. I was always looking at myself negatively but right now I can appreciate that I am fit and healthy and strong. I ate less than 2000 calories today. I am so proud of myself. I feel like my life has meaning, even if it's just those two hours a day I spend laboring away in Fitness Rooms A and B. I'm so excited to live right now - everything about it, i look forward to, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. I am excited to wake up in the morning and see if I feel skinnier or hungry, and I look forward to showering and putting my new Avon makeup on, and I look forward to changing classes and going to lunch and learning and doing well on tests, and then I so, so, so look forward to going to the Y, and I look forward to coming home and eating and not getting any bigger, and I look forward to these hours where I can just chill out and have my own time, and I really look forward to sleeping. But not so much the sleeping but the dreaming. I am so fortunate a person to have such vivid dreams! And not only are they vivid but they are so interesting and full of emotion! I've had several dreams about childbirth and it has changed my feelings on the subject completely: in my dreams, I always have this intense love for my baby and it's so real and so beautiful, i cannot wait until I can experience it in real life. I can only imagine it's a hundred times more powerful than it is in my dreams, for I could never know anything so genuine. It has given a new love to my life, even though it has been just a dream - or several dreams. And I'm realizing that I was wrong before, I DO have hobbies, like blogging! A hobby is just a fun thing we do regularly or not so regularly that we enjoy, is it not? Blogging could definitely be seen as something that I enjoy, as is yoga and cycling and things of that sort. I am just realizing now that I love myself, so much, but not in a conceited way. Just in a way that I am proud of who I am and what decisions I make, and I have just the way I proved it - I looked around in all my classes and thought, if I could trade places or looks or anything with anyone in the class, who would it be? And I found that I did not want to trade places with ANYONE! I am so happy to be me and I would rather be me than any other person in any of my classes. Now, that could either mean that everyone in my classes is not so desirable, or it could mean that I am just so happy to be myself and I like who I am that I don't even need to envy anyone else. I don't even envy Deborah right now. I am just as good looking as her and every bit as smart, if not smarter, and I lead a much better life; although, to give her some credit, she does have a hard family life. But there are other things to use as a mental release other than drinking and smoking and sleeping around, but that is a whole other story.
All in all, I am very happy right now and I hope this lasts. I'm not quite ready to sink back into depression and self-questioning and the feeling of being lost and without a purpose. At times like those I almost wish I had a religion to turn to and carry my faith with me when I realized I do have a faith - faith in myself and my life. "The sun rises and sets with you." Yes, that it does.

My eyes are swollen, and I feel nauseous and itchy. Great.

I just realized I started the last post with almost exactly the same words as a post before that. Can you see how repetitive and cliche my life is?
I sound so ungrateful. I know I have a good life. I have an above average life. Why isn't that enough? Why do I feel like I was made to be something more, someone who makes a difference in the world or has some incomparable talent and graces the world with her present?
And just the other day I was complaining about how people complained about situations that they had ever power to change. Don't I have the power over my own life? I can change this. My life doesn't have to go any way I don't want it to. Like Zac Efron (I know I'm really stupid) said in that movie, "The sun rises and sets with you." I am in control of my life. I CAN go far. I WILL go far.
Look at me, giving myself pep talks. I truly am so boringly cliche.

So I know it's been awhile since my last post. I'm not going to lie and say I've been too busy to write, or some other lame excuse for not posting anything for 17 days. Although I did write several paragraphs the other day, which all got deleted prior to saving. No, I've just been too lazy or too wired.
But right now I'm feeling kind of cathartic. I saw Hannah Montana again and cried during the Climb, again. I think it's because I can really connect to the words because I guess I sorta feel the same way. And when she sings, "Keep your faith, keep the faith," I pretty much just break down because I find it so hard to keep faith, since I don't have a legit faith and I doubt myself so much. I don't have anything to believe in except myself, and sometimes that gets tough, you know? Also, when I watch the movie and I see Billy Ray Cyrus's face when his daughter is singing, and it's so full of pride and emotion and I've never seen my dad look at me that way. I'm so jealous of her closeness with her father because I don't have that and probably never will. I just feel like he doesn't respect me like he should, and I sure don't respect him like I should. I've grown up almost without a father figure. It's so sad to me. I don't think I will ever see the way Billy Cyrus's face look on my dad ever. I'm never going to be good enough for that. He doesn't even respect me enough to mind my privacy. I've told him so many times to not look at my texts and just tonight he was reading them. I'm so mad at him. I don't know how many times he's said he's sorry, but you'd think after enough times he'd realize he wasn't doing something the right way and change that. He isn't actually sorry about it at all. You didn't have to get married, you didn't have to have me, stop blaming me for everything that's wrong with you, please!

I'm fifteen and I'm unhappy with my life. It's not enough, it's never enough, and I can't keep the faith because I have none. What a sorry person.

Another two weeks have gone by since my last post. Fear not - you haven't missed a thing. I went back to school, and with that returned my desire to be left alone and my impassiveness towards friends as a whole. Also returning was my tremendous work load and my boringly cliche schedule of school, track, and homework.

If there is one thing a break from school will give me, it's endless thinking time that puts my life (almost) back into perspective and helps me keep track of lost ambitions. Sometimes I get so caught up in people and forget what I really go to school for - education. As I sit at home and wonder where all of my "friends" are, I realized that none of it really matters anyway and I need to focus more on my schoolwork. I figured I'm never going to see anyone after high school anyway, so why should I worry about meaningless drama and people I don't really care about in the first place?

On the contrary though, the thoughts that run through my head almost always dwell on my "identity crisis" and who I want to be. But I think the real question is not who I want to be or who I am going to be, it is what I am right now. I honestly couldn't tell you who I am. I am so many things that I'm surprised I am not even more confused. How can I change myself and be more of what I want to be when I couldn't tell you what I am in the first place? But wait, EPIPHANY! Why can't I be everything I want to be? Why do I have to be just one person? What am I even looking to be? I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't need to change myself to fit an image that I'm comfortable with because it's set and stable. I mean, who wants to be a "label" anyway?

But not knowing who I am, or knowing what I want to be, is what makes me tick. It's that, I know that if I had the ability to up and move right now to a place where I actually wanted to go, I wouldn't be like this. I watch movies and read books and I know that they are who they are because of WHERE they are, and how they live their life. My life is just normal; it's boring and cliche and incredibly dull. It's not as if I haven't done fantastic things, but I want my life to have meaning, not just during the summer, but all year round. I don't have any hobbies, I don't have anything that has been a part of me since the time I was little, nothing to carry with me. I think it's really taken a toll on my life, because I feel like I don't have a base to go back to when I'm feeling so uncontrolled and confused like this, nothing I can fall back on. I feel, right now, as if I'm just floating around in a jumble of everything and looking to create myself but I can't. I can't even explain it, none of this probably makes sense, and I've probably contradicted myself several times.

I really really really want to move. I wish my parents would send me to live in Sedona with Steve for the summer. I can't wait to go to Italy for a change of scenery. Ocala is so ugly.

I need to make a list of things that I want to do in my life, lists of characteristics that I value and wish I could have, things like that. I think that would help me figure out where I want to go in my life.



Things I want to do in my life:

-Travel to everywhere. I also want to live in a different country for awhile. I want to live in a city and I want to live in the middle of nowhere and I want to experience a TON of new cultures.

-I want to write a book. I want it to be meaningful and thought-compelling and I want it to be relative.

-I want to go to a good college with a big library and not a lot of people.

-I want to have a baby.

-I want to fall in love and I want to get my heart broken. And then fall in love again.

-I want some dramatic scene in which I'm wearing high heels and in Spain or something. I know this one is vague and could go a lot of different ways, but I'm okay with that because this doesn't need to be specific. I want it to be a surprise.

-I want explore religion.

-I want to be famous.

-I want to go to a lot of broadway shows, because I love them so much.

-I want to see a ballet that makes me cry.

-I want to take photography classes and painting classes and yoga classes.

-I want to go to a high class ball of some sort - even if it's just once.

-I want to find something I passionately love.





Things I value in a person:

-Bravery

-Honesty

-Kindness

-Quietness

-Maturity

-Free-spiritedness

-Adventurous

-Level-headedness

-Health

-Open-mindedness

-Selflessness

-Individuality

-Empathetic

-Gentleness

-Hard-working

-Intelligence

-Funny

-Genuine



Things I like about myself:

-I'm smart.

-I'm mature.

-I'm open-minded and very tolerant.

-Not to be conceited, but I am good looking sometimes.

-I'm grounded and I have a good head on my shoulders.

-I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, or get into trouble.

-I have great self control and a lot of will power.

To be continued.

I'm super bored right now. Most times, like when I'm at school and I can get away with being quiet, just sort of blend in, I don't really care about not having close friends. But during spring break when everyone else is "partying" and spending time with everyone else, it makes me wish I had someone close to me. Blah.
We may go to my grandma's house. I'm so reluctant to leave town because I think that maybe today will be different and someone will actually think to include me in their little plans, but I know that if someone has yet to ask me to do something by now, it probably won't happen. It's kind of sad, if you think about it. I need to work on improving myself so that maybe someone will think about me more often.