So it's been some time since my first post. I'm not going to lie and say I've been too busy; I've simply been to lazy or just not in the mood to write. With that being said, we can continue to explore my innermost thoughts.
I'm fairly positive no one is even reading this blog. In fact, I probably prefer it this way. But there's still some tiny part inside of me that wants a random person to read this and sympathize with me, and know that there's someone else in this huge world that maybe has a tiny inkling of knowledge of how they feel. Not that I've written much to relate to anyway, but I'm pretty sure that, even after one blog post, you can get an idea of what I think about. Or maybe I'm just completely wrong and everyone thinks I'm a complete idiot.
From the time of my last post, I had my birthday. The big 1-5, yippee! Really, it shouldn't be much of a change for me. I mean, I pretty much was fifteen with the exception of driving. My friends were fifteen, or sixteen, I am a sophomore, who is supposed to be fifteen, and I'm treated like I'm fifteen. Actually, I'm treated much older than fifteen. And usually, on my birthday (which has never been a big deal in my family, not that I really mind), I just feel exactly the same. Another year, so what? But this year, it was not the same. This year, I could feel the extra year. And surprisingly, this difference didn't send me into a not-so-mid-life crisis like you would think it would. Instead I was happy, I finally felt like I was the age I needed to be, the age I was on the inside. I feel old, but not too old. Not I-need-to-be-paying-bills old. More-independent old. I felt like I wasn't just a kid trying to fit in with a bunch of people who were never going to be the same as me, but instead an equal. I mean, I've never really felt that I wasn't equal, so to speak, but this year it was like a confirmation of my belonging. I am where I need to be!
With that being said, my actual birthday was a disaster. Maybe disaster is too strong of a word...maybe not. I'll let you be the judge of that. I actually had a really nice day with my mom; we had gone to Orlando and went shopping and I got a few cute things. When I came home though, that was when it really went down the drain. I won't go into detail, but it was the absolute stupidest argument ever. I mean, really, who could get so worked up about a video game? Anyways, so basically, Ethan and my father just disappeared from the house, went totally AWOL, leaving me and my poor mom and not-so-poor little brother to wonder if we were going to make it to our dinner reservations. Long story short, we didn't make it to dinner and my dad never even apologized for ruining the day. I think, in the long run, I would've forgiven him a bit earlier. I didn't talk to him for three days afterwards. It wasn't so much as not going to dinner that made me mad, because I'm not too stuck up to be mad over dinner, but I just wish he would've maybe kept his temper better, because he did know we were going to dinner. I mean, does he even care about anyone other than himself sometimes? Don't you think he could've put in a little bit more effort to just recognize the fact that he was wrong? I don't know what was going through his head when he decided to sabotage my birthday dinner, but an apology for totally disregarding my feelings was needed and never given, and that's what made me mad.
You know, I think I would've been even happier if this wasn't the first time something like that has happened. But my dad has always been a little rough around the edges, so to speak, when it comes to, well, being a father. I know his heart is in a good place, and that he works so much every week to provide for us, but sometimes I want him to be just a tad bit more compassionate towards our needs. I want a dad who I'm not afraid to talk to and he won't just make a joke out of it, or one that can recognize a mistake and appropriately apologize for it. I want a dad who tells me to do my homework and actually has even an inkling of what work I'm supposed to be doing instead of just telling me to do my homework because that's what parents are supposed to do. I just want him to care a little bit. And I know what you'll say, "but he does care; that's why he works so much!" But sometimes, I want to spend time with him, because that would show me that he cares more than the big paycheck he sends home every year (althought that IS pretty nice :]) I just don't even know. I guess I should be happy with what I have, because so many people have it so much worse.
I'm also thinking I might want a boyfriend. This is a new thought for me, I've never really seen the point in dating in high school. Maybe being fifteen will bring more than just a new driving permit.

I've always wanted to start a blog. I don't know why...maybe it's because I simply think way too much, and feel the need to put it all down and don't have the patience to hand write it. Or maybe it's because everyone else in the whole entire world has a blog as well, and I just wanted to see what the hype was. I'm thinking it's more along the lines of the former, but, in any case, I made a blog.
As I mentioned before, I think way too much. About myself. But it's about myself in a totally non-conceited, what-am-I-doing-with-my-life kind of way. I mean, you would think, being fourteen and all, I wouldn't be so concerned with how my life is going to turn out. Most people at my age are just concerned with friends and having fun and being kids. But I, I see myself as grown up. I'm not interested in going out every weekend. I don't have a best friend. In fact, there are very few people I like and want to be associated with. I want to travel, I want to go places, I want to learn to speak languages and not in a school setting. I want to live and to love and to be carefree but yet responsible at the same time. I want to be artistic and scholarly and beautiful inside and out and I want people to like me. It's so frustrating to live in Ocala and have nothing, no opportunties, no experience exposure or worth. I feel like I'm wasting my childhood and that if I were to be somewhere else, in a better situation, then things could be so much better for me. Don't get me wrong, I live in a great home, my parents love me, I have two brothers that are decent and I've done some amazing things. I'm in the IB program and I get a decent education, but the school I go to is horrible and it's small and the campus is ugly and some of the people there are just not the people I want to be associating myself with. But other than that, I live a decent life. A more than decent life. And I appreciate everything I have, and everything I've done, but I just feel that life could be so extraordinary! And I always forget that I'm not even through with my second year of high school and probably couldn't do anything extraordinary being so young, anyways. I can't wait til I'm 18!