Another two weeks have gone by since my last post. Fear not - you haven't missed a thing. I went back to school, and with that returned my desire to be left alone and my impassiveness towards friends as a whole. Also returning was my tremendous work load and my boringly cliche schedule of school, track, and homework.

If there is one thing a break from school will give me, it's endless thinking time that puts my life (almost) back into perspective and helps me keep track of lost ambitions. Sometimes I get so caught up in people and forget what I really go to school for - education. As I sit at home and wonder where all of my "friends" are, I realized that none of it really matters anyway and I need to focus more on my schoolwork. I figured I'm never going to see anyone after high school anyway, so why should I worry about meaningless drama and people I don't really care about in the first place?

On the contrary though, the thoughts that run through my head almost always dwell on my "identity crisis" and who I want to be. But I think the real question is not who I want to be or who I am going to be, it is what I am right now. I honestly couldn't tell you who I am. I am so many things that I'm surprised I am not even more confused. How can I change myself and be more of what I want to be when I couldn't tell you what I am in the first place? But wait, EPIPHANY! Why can't I be everything I want to be? Why do I have to be just one person? What am I even looking to be? I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't need to change myself to fit an image that I'm comfortable with because it's set and stable. I mean, who wants to be a "label" anyway?

But not knowing who I am, or knowing what I want to be, is what makes me tick. It's that, I know that if I had the ability to up and move right now to a place where I actually wanted to go, I wouldn't be like this. I watch movies and read books and I know that they are who they are because of WHERE they are, and how they live their life. My life is just normal; it's boring and cliche and incredibly dull. It's not as if I haven't done fantastic things, but I want my life to have meaning, not just during the summer, but all year round. I don't have any hobbies, I don't have anything that has been a part of me since the time I was little, nothing to carry with me. I think it's really taken a toll on my life, because I feel like I don't have a base to go back to when I'm feeling so uncontrolled and confused like this, nothing I can fall back on. I feel, right now, as if I'm just floating around in a jumble of everything and looking to create myself but I can't. I can't even explain it, none of this probably makes sense, and I've probably contradicted myself several times.

I really really really want to move. I wish my parents would send me to live in Sedona with Steve for the summer. I can't wait to go to Italy for a change of scenery. Ocala is so ugly.

I need to make a list of things that I want to do in my life, lists of characteristics that I value and wish I could have, things like that. I think that would help me figure out where I want to go in my life.



Things I want to do in my life:

-Travel to everywhere. I also want to live in a different country for awhile. I want to live in a city and I want to live in the middle of nowhere and I want to experience a TON of new cultures.

-I want to write a book. I want it to be meaningful and thought-compelling and I want it to be relative.

-I want to go to a good college with a big library and not a lot of people.

-I want to have a baby.

-I want to fall in love and I want to get my heart broken. And then fall in love again.

-I want some dramatic scene in which I'm wearing high heels and in Spain or something. I know this one is vague and could go a lot of different ways, but I'm okay with that because this doesn't need to be specific. I want it to be a surprise.

-I want explore religion.

-I want to be famous.

-I want to go to a lot of broadway shows, because I love them so much.

-I want to see a ballet that makes me cry.

-I want to take photography classes and painting classes and yoga classes.

-I want to go to a high class ball of some sort - even if it's just once.

-I want to find something I passionately love.





Things I value in a person:

-Bravery

-Honesty

-Kindness

-Quietness

-Maturity

-Free-spiritedness

-Adventurous

-Level-headedness

-Health

-Open-mindedness

-Selflessness

-Individuality

-Empathetic

-Gentleness

-Hard-working

-Intelligence

-Funny

-Genuine



Things I like about myself:

-I'm smart.

-I'm mature.

-I'm open-minded and very tolerant.

-Not to be conceited, but I am good looking sometimes.

-I'm grounded and I have a good head on my shoulders.

-I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, or get into trouble.

-I have great self control and a lot of will power.

To be continued.