It's nearly May 1. I have 8 days til my AP Euro exam. I fear that I will not pass it, through no fault other than my own. I should have started studying weeks ago.

On a brighter note, I feel great. I've started going to the Y with Taylor and I've noticed a definite change in me, even in just four days. I really love working out. And I've always known I love working out, but I was just running for so long that I forgot how much I actually loved to exercise. Running really isn't my deal . . . at least, not right now. I absolutely love Cardio Cycling and I really look forward to every time I go to the YMCA. I just feel great; it's like a beacon of light in my drab life. Even in such a short time, my body feels and looks stronger, I'm so excited for the next few weeks when I really start to notice a change. I think, part of the reason why I was so . . . I don't know, depressed is too strong a word . . . but whatever I was, it was partly because I didn't like myself. I was always looking at myself negatively but right now I can appreciate that I am fit and healthy and strong. I ate less than 2000 calories today. I am so proud of myself. I feel like my life has meaning, even if it's just those two hours a day I spend laboring away in Fitness Rooms A and B. I'm so excited to live right now - everything about it, i look forward to, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. I am excited to wake up in the morning and see if I feel skinnier or hungry, and I look forward to showering and putting my new Avon makeup on, and I look forward to changing classes and going to lunch and learning and doing well on tests, and then I so, so, so look forward to going to the Y, and I look forward to coming home and eating and not getting any bigger, and I look forward to these hours where I can just chill out and have my own time, and I really look forward to sleeping. But not so much the sleeping but the dreaming. I am so fortunate a person to have such vivid dreams! And not only are they vivid but they are so interesting and full of emotion! I've had several dreams about childbirth and it has changed my feelings on the subject completely: in my dreams, I always have this intense love for my baby and it's so real and so beautiful, i cannot wait until I can experience it in real life. I can only imagine it's a hundred times more powerful than it is in my dreams, for I could never know anything so genuine. It has given a new love to my life, even though it has been just a dream - or several dreams. And I'm realizing that I was wrong before, I DO have hobbies, like blogging! A hobby is just a fun thing we do regularly or not so regularly that we enjoy, is it not? Blogging could definitely be seen as something that I enjoy, as is yoga and cycling and things of that sort. I am just realizing now that I love myself, so much, but not in a conceited way. Just in a way that I am proud of who I am and what decisions I make, and I have just the way I proved it - I looked around in all my classes and thought, if I could trade places or looks or anything with anyone in the class, who would it be? And I found that I did not want to trade places with ANYONE! I am so happy to be me and I would rather be me than any other person in any of my classes. Now, that could either mean that everyone in my classes is not so desirable, or it could mean that I am just so happy to be myself and I like who I am that I don't even need to envy anyone else. I don't even envy Deborah right now. I am just as good looking as her and every bit as smart, if not smarter, and I lead a much better life; although, to give her some credit, she does have a hard family life. But there are other things to use as a mental release other than drinking and smoking and sleeping around, but that is a whole other story.
All in all, I am very happy right now and I hope this lasts. I'm not quite ready to sink back into depression and self-questioning and the feeling of being lost and without a purpose. At times like those I almost wish I had a religion to turn to and carry my faith with me when I realized I do have a faith - faith in myself and my life. "The sun rises and sets with you." Yes, that it does.